“Only once you give yourself permission to stop trying to do it all, to stop saying yes to everyone, can you make your highest contribution toward the things that really matter.” – Greg McKeown, Essentialism
How many times this week have you said yes to something you desperately wanted to say no to?
Many clients I work with struggle with how to set boundaries, whether it’s holding a boundary with another person or keeping a promise to yourself. Some of the most common challenges include working long hours rather than setting limits on time spent at work, managing their exposure to toxic work colleagues, “shutting off” from work when they are at home with family members, setting limits with extended family members, or making time for themselves rather than giving selflessly to others.
Yet setting (and holding) boundaries is an essential skill to build on the path towards creating space and living a life of meaning. How can we realise our dreams when we are so busy giving away our energy and time to other people?
Here, I share some of the core ideas about what boundaries are, why they can be difficult to set, and how to set them. If you would like to go deeper, I recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It’s written from a religious angle, but the ideas it contains are applicable to everyone. Essentialism, by Greg McKeown, while not explicitly about boundaries, is also great for anyone who feels like they are spread too thin and want to focus more.
What are boundaries?
I like this definition from Cloud & Townsend: “A boundary is a property line – it defines where you begin and end. Your boundaries define you in relation to others.” Our boundaries define our personal space. By setting and holding a boundary, we declare what is “ours” – what we will allow into our lives and take responsibility for (our own feelings, needs, and life challenges) – and what is “not ours” – what we will not take on, temporally, physically, and/or energetically, which includes other people’s feelings, needs, and life challenges.
We set boundaries (limits) that protect our time, our emotions, our energy, and even our bodies. Sometimes, the work is about setting boundaries with ourselves – our own internal limits (e.g. resisting the impulse to check email late at night when you are with your family).
Two very important things to note at this point:
- A boundary always deals with yourself and not the other person. We can’t control or set limits on what other people do. What we can do is limit our exposure to situations that violate our boundaries and communicate those limits clearly. Many people have “secret boundaries” that exist only in their mind. They then get frustrated when others violate those boundaries, without having communicated what they are in the first place!
- One of the core principles of boundaries is “you reap what you sow.” Often, we fail to set boundaries with another person because we either want to protect them from harm or avoid their anger. In both cases, for the sake of their own growth, that other person needs to realise the consequences of their actions. Rescuing or protecting someone is not loving them – it is reinforcing their irresponsible or harmful behaviour.
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behaviour or a choice.” – Brene Brown
Types of boundary issues
Boundaries can be both under- and over-developed. Some people have weak boundaries; others are too rigid. There are three common types of boundary ‘personas’:
- Compliants say yes to things they don’t want to say yes to. They let too much in. Their boundaries are fuzzy and indistinct, if they exist at all; instead, they acquiesce to the demands and needs of other people. Often, they learned early in life that setting boundaries or saying no is bad. The work for them is to practice saying no in trivial settings and safe environments and find communities of support where they will still be loved, even if they set boundaries.
- Avoidants say no to the good. They have impermeable boundaries that, while great at protecting their time, space, and energy, also keep out thing that are good for them (e.g. love and support from others; a sense of flexibility). They have often been hurt earlier in life and have learned that the best way to protect themselves from getting hurt is to have extremely strong boundaries. The work for them is to practice relaxing their rigid boundaries in safe environments and experiencing what it is like to receive from others.
- Controllers don’t respect other people’s boundaries, and don’t accept no from other people. They see other people’s limits as obstacles to overcome, rather than as signals to adjust their own behaviour. They may run over other people, consciously or unconsciously, either by not being aware that the other person has boundaries, or by trying to persuade the other person to abandon their boundaries. These people often did not have the experience of parents or authority figures setting limits on them earlier in life, and thus did not develop an awareness that other people have boundaries. The work for them is to learn to respect other people’s freedom ad the right to say no, and to face their fear of losing control.
As most clients I work with fall into the “compliant” persona, the rest of this piece will focus specifically on advice for compliants. Let me know if either of the other two personas above resonates more with you, and we can have a discussion about it!
How boundaries are developed – and why so many people find them hard to set
We develop our perspective about boundaries (or lack thereof) from childhood. Ask yourself: What messages did I learn about setting boundaries when I was young from my parents, grandparents, teachers, or other prominent adults in my life?
To be able to set boundaries, we need to be secure in our relationship, knowing that we will still be loved even if we say no or express a preference for something that is different to another person’s preference. To that extent, we also need to be able to distinguish between ourself and others – what we like, what we don’t like, what our preferences are, etc.
Even with the best of intentions, parents and other caregivers can often inadvertently teach us poor boundary skills:
- “If you disagree with me, I’ll…” makes it unsafe for us to say no or express dissent about something.
- “If you loved me, you would…” is a way of trying to control another person’s feelings, attitudes, behaviours, choices and values.
- Overcontrolling parents leave no room for mistakes or for us to distinguish between their needs and preferences and our own.
- Parents who don’t set any limits fail to teach their children that other people have boundaries, and that actions have consequences.
Most parents are not consciously aware of how these behaviours shape our understanding of boundaries. Raising children can be stressful, and they are doing the best they can with the knowledge and experience that they have. However, each of these behaviours can inadvertently make us feel that we are not unconditionally loved and accepted (even if that is not true). When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options: (1) setting limits and risking losing a relationship; or (2) not setting limits and remaining a prisoner to the wishes of another. Over time, this fear gets wired into us – an unconscious fear that if we set a boundary, we risk loss of love, abandonment, anger, and loneliness.
Typically, we know this is not rational, and yet it can still drive many of our behaviours around setting boundaries
How do I become better at setting boundaries?
With other people
Often, compliants are not able to fully articulate what their boundaries are – what their “property line” is, what they will and will not accept. They must first become aware of when a boundary is being violated, define what that boundary is, and then communicate it effectively and back it up with consequences.
- Notice ‘boundary violations’. It may feel counterintuitive to notice the violation before you can define the boundary, but this is often the first indicator that a boundary has been crossed. Notice where you feel anger or resentment about something, whether it’s about how you are spending your time or how someone is treating you. Pay attention to how you feel, what you need, what’s okay, what’s not okay, and what your bottom line is.
- Define the boundary. Cloud & Townsend have a saying: “Find the misery and make a rule.” Ask yourself what you are trying to protect (time, feelings, security, autonomy). What is the rule you want to make to keep the boundary violation from hurting you? For example: protecting certain hours in the morning or evening to spend time with your family, not accepting harmful behaviour from another person, refusing to step in to cover up other people’s shortcomings. Identify what you need (or don’t need) in the situation.
- Communicate your boundary. If you don’t communicate clearly, it’s unfair to expect the other person to know they have crossed a boundary. It is our responsibility to communicate what we will and won’t accept in our lives. The simplest way to do this is by just communicating clearly what the boundary is. For example: “I have committed to personal training sessions on Tuesday and Thursday evenings at 7pm, so I won’t be available to work those evenings.” Or “I keep my weekends open for friends, family, and personal time, so if you email me on the weekend I likely won’t respond until Monday. Please call me if it is something urgent that truly cannot wait.” Or “I love you, but I am not willing to financially support you anymore.” If someone violates your boundaries, or if they are behaving in a way that is harming you, it can be helpful to have a bit of a script, e.g.:
- “I feel…” (feeling word only, e.g. angry, frustrated, sad – not “I feel you…” or “I feel that…”)
- “…when…” (naming the specific behaviour, e.g. “when you ask me to do things the night before they are due”, without putting your own judgment or interpretation on it, e.g. NOT extrapolating that the other person is disorganised or disrespectful for last-minute requests)
- “…because…” (give explanation or meaning, e.g. “because I value time in the evenings with my family, and these last minute requests take away from that precious time.”)
- “What I want from you is…” (name a specific behaviour, e.g. “that we discuss priorities at the beginning of every week, and that you let me know before lunchtime if something urgent is coming up for the next day.”; NOT an emotional equality, e.g. “to be more thoughtful” – which is not actionable.)
- “Will you do that?”
- Back it up with consequences – and follow through. If the person with whom you’re trying to set a boundary doesn’t respect it, or if an agreement is not kept, clearly state the consequences. This is not about “teaching someone a lesson” – it’s about asking yourself what you need to do to take care of yourself. For example: “I will not respond to emails between 8pm and 8am”; or “if you continue to speak negatively about other people, I will leave the room until you are ready to change the subject.” Make sure you follow through with the consequences exactly as you have said you would; otherwise, you are undermining both your self-respect and your credibility.
Learning how to set boundaries with other people can be an uncomfortable process, especially if you are out of practice. Here are a few tips as you get started:
- Start small. Practice saying no or asking for what you need in relatively minor, risk-free situations, with people you trust. Boundary-setting is a muscle you build over time – start with the lightest weights.
- Don’t go it alone. Tell your friends, family, coach, or therapist that you are working on setting better boundaries. Let them know when you try and how it goes. There is likely a part of you that will try to resist setting boundaries (”you can’t let the other person down; your needs aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things”), and it can help to have other people who believe in you and are cheering for you.
- Be prepared for resistance. Not everyone will be receptive to you setting boundaries and they may respond with hurt, guilt trips, or even anger. Remember that you are not responsible for their feelings (only they are), and that by setting boundaries, you are giving them the opportunity to learn the consequences of their actions.
- Guilt messages are sadness and hurt in disguise. Empathize with the other person’s distress (”It sounds like you are sad because really wanted to spend time together this weekend…”) while holding strong to your boundary. Again, you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings.
Ultimately, when setting boundaries with other people, we want our “nos” to be as free as our “yeses” – giving that much more meaning when you DO choose to say yes to something. One of my favourite principles comes from the book Essentialism by Greg McKeown, where he writes that if something is not a 9 or 10/10 “yes” for you, it should be a “no”.
With yourself
Sometimes, the boundaries we need to set are not with others, but with ourselves. Even without anyone explicitly putting demands on our time or energy, we make ourselves available to others while deprioritizing our own needs. We check our work emails on the weekends and clean up the messes at home – even if we didn’t create the in the first place. We meet up with friends in need when what we really want is a night on the sofa with a book. Why do we do this?
The simplest way to explain it is that, when we were young, we internalized the voices of others about what it means to be a good human and how to survive in this world. Perhaps you grew up watching your parents work hard and give selflessly; or you witnessed conflict when you were young and vowed to yourself you would do anything to avoid it; maybe you learned to put the needs of your family or commuity ahead of your own, or maybe you were taught to be independent and never need anything from anyone. Whatever ‘flavour’ of messaging you internalized, it’s still in you now, actin as an inner operating system that subconsciously drives your behaviours.
These internalized voices become our own belief system – our inner operating system – and the beliefs are held by “Parts” of us (”A part of me is afraid to…”). There are ways of working with these Parts that are too detailed to go into here. The main idea is that these Parts are trying to help us survive, even if it feels like they are holding us back. As much as we might want to, we can’t banish them – they will only get louder. Instead, the work is to befriend them, to understand what needs they are trying to get met, and then to meet them, for ourselves, so we can become stronger at setting our own boundaries and living the life we dream of.
Closing thoughts
Learning to set boundaries is not a one-time event, but an ongoing practice – one that requires patience, self-compassion, and courage. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re unlearning years of people-pleasing or self-sacrifice. But remember: boundaries are not walls that keep people out; they are the foundation that allows you to show up more fully in your relationships and in your life. When you protect your time, energy, and emotional space, you’re not being selfish – you’re creating the conditions to give from a place of genuine choice rather than obligation or resentment. So start small, be kind to yourself as you practice, and notice what becomes possible when you begin to honor what truly matters to you. If you’d like support on this journey, I’d be happy to explore this work together – feel free to reach out.
Special thanks to Lynda Caesara for her teaching and resources on boundaries, as well as to Aletheia Coaching, both of whom have deepened my understanding of boundaries and the inner energetic work it takes to learn how to set and hold them consistently.
