What if the real cost of worrying ‘what will people think?’ isn’t their judgment, but living divided between who you are inside and who you pretend to be?
“But what will people think?” is one of the most common fears I hear from people who are contemplating change in their lives. They have a growing sense that they’re living a false life, their outer world not reflecting who they are inside.
It’s painful to live such a dis-integrated life, divided. But what does it mean to live in integrity? I like this definition from Martha Beck:
The word integrity (from integer) means “wholeness.” Living in integrity means expressing and doing what’s true for you in all situations. Depart from your truth in any way—offer a fake smile, flatter your awful boss, marry for money—and you become two people: the truth knower and the lie actor. That’s duplicity. And duplicity, not social noncompliance, is the real enemy of joy. – Martha Beck
Living in wholeness can be scary. What will people think? Will they accept me as I am? Many of us grow up receiving so much external advice on what it means to be successful that we internalize that voice as an “inner judge” that squashes any dream we have that doesn’t match up to its internal definition of success.
The thing is, there’s no one way to be successful. And what does “success” mean, anyway? Are you successful if you’re a millionaire, yet feel no joy in life? Are you successful if you’ve given selflessly to others for years, while putting your own needs and desires aside? Success isn’t so easy to define – largely because the definition is different for every person.
When browsing for a poem this week, I found myself lingering on this piece of writing from Rainer Maria Rilke. While ostensibly about works of art, his words apply far more broadly to this idea of life choices. Only from a place of love can we view our life choices and respond to them fairly, and we must always trusting our own feelings, rather than others’ interpretations. Sure, we may make a mistake – but then life itself will help us course-correct.
If you’re feeling divided inside, perhaps pause, take a step back, and view your life as if it was a work of art in progress. How can you hold that masterpiece with love, and what is the next brush stroke that will make the picture come alive?
