How do you stop yourself from turning on others when you’re feeling triggered, especially when the system around you is already overloaded?
I’ve been thinking a lot this week about how easy it is for us all to slip into reactive behaviours. Someone who feels powerless exerts power where he can. Someone who feels rejected rejects others in an unconscious repetition of the pattern. A person who acts with the best of intents can have a negative impact in ways they never could have imagined, facing blowback from people who are stressed, overwhelmed, and unable to take a step back, assume positive intent, and explore why they are so triggered in the first place.
I have seen all of this take place in different forms over the past week. In one instance, I was on the receiving end; in others, perhaps I was the one in the reactive mode (and might not have even known it). I am both fascinated and deeply saddened by how easy it can be for us to turn on each other. It breaks relationships and increases the amount of friction in a system that is already overloaded.
When I find myself caught in a reactive loop, the first question I ask myself is “what Value is being triggered that I hold dear?” For me, it’s often something around integrity, kindness, or humility. I try to see my part in the situation as well as the good intentions of the other person. I let the feelings of anger and judgment (often) or sadness (deeper) wash over me, until I feel clearer and lighter and have a sense of what I want to do next – without charge. It can take a while. Hopefully, actions from this more centred place don’t add more fuel to the fire.
More and more, I also find I have been turning to the book Quaker Faith & Practice for inspiration. The first two paragraphs of the Introduction to this book read:
“This book of faith and practice constitutes the Christian discipline of the Yearly Meeting of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) in Britain. Discipline is not now a popular word. It has overtones of enforcement and correction but its roots lie in ideas of learning and discipleship. Discipline in our yearly meeting consists for the most part of advice and counsel, the encouragement of self-questioning, of hearing each other in humility and love.
Words must not become barriers between us, for no one of us can ever adequately understand or express the truth about God. Yet words are our tools and we must not be afraid to express the truth we know in the best words we can. It is this conviction which has prompted the selection of a wide variety of extracts for inclusion in this book, confirming our testimony that truth cannot be confined within a creed.”
For this week’s Friday Pause, I wanted to share one of my favourite passages from this book, which helps me re-centre when I am feeling offended or hurt by someone. If you are feeling particularly triggered by someone or something, perhaps you will find some comfort here. And if you have a reaction to the use of the word “God”, you can replace it with whatever you like – pureness, wholeness, goodness, divinity, etc. It’s referring to the idea that each of us is essentially a spiritual being worthy of dignity and respect.
