How many times have you had the experience of a path closing in front of you?
Perhaps you were made redundant against your will. Or perhaps you had applied for a job for which you were sure you were perfect yet didn’t get. Sometimes, seemingly without taking into consideration what we want, life closes off options.
I had this experience a few weeks ago. A friend reached out to see if I’d be interested in interviewing for a role with the leadership firm where she worked. On paper, it looked perfect. The work was directly aligned with my core values and the work I love most. I was confident I had the skills they needed, and there was also room for growth. The people were great. Also, it would have given me a way into the US market, something always at the back of my mind given my husband’s planned move there next year. And yet, they decided to go with someone else.
In his book Let Your Life Speak, Parker Palmer refers to this experience as “when way closes.” After bouncing around a series of jobs, none of which he found particularly fulfilling, he grew frustrated with the Quaker advice he was receiving to “have faith, and way will open.” He sought counsel from an elder, sharing that no matter how much silent meditation he did, listening for his calling, he still felt completely lost. Ruth said to him, “In sixty-plus years of living, way has never opened for me. But a lot of way has closed behind me, and that’s had the same guiding effect.”
What a great perspective. In a world where many of us grew up being told we can do anything, we are taught to view limitations as obstacles to be overcome rather than as signposts pointing us towards our true vocation. As Parker writes:
Each of us arrives here with a nature which means both limits and potentials. We can learn as much about our nature by running into our limits, as by experiencing our potential…When I consistently refuse to take no for an answer, I miss the vital clues to my identity that arise when way closes.
On not making the cut
I have had a long history of “not making the cut.” In high school, where the only reason I was given a spot in our award-winning band was because the gifted & talented teacher asked the band director to give me a chance – he put me on the contra-bass clarinet (and I never made the jazz band or the madrigals, despite repeated auditions). At law school, where I was smart but never truly distinctive in my contributions (i.e. making brilliant arguments in front of Supreme Court justices in moot court). At McKinsey, when I tried to transfer from Dubai back to the US and was rejected over and over.
For years, I carried this belief that “I’ll never be good enough.” But then a coach helped me reframe these experiences completely. What if, she asked, there were upsides to not making the cut?
Suddenly, I started to see how all these experiences of not making the cut had actually worked for me. I’ve become adept at sensing when I actually am not good enough (and don’t really want to be, if I’m honest), and pivoting early rather than hanging on to something for too long. I’ve gotten really good at checking in with myself about whether I actually want to pursue a certain path (does it energize me), or am I just pursuing it because it feels like the right thing to do? Those life experiences have even put me on the path I am on now – helping other people find theirs, and trusting the wisdom that comes from way closing.
When life takes the reins
Oprah Winfrey has this quote that I love:
The universe speaks to us, always, first in whispers… It’s that subtle. And if you don’t pay attention to the whisper, it gets louder and louder and louder. I say it’s like getting thumped upside the head. If you don’t pay attention to that, it’s like getting a brick upside your head.
When way closes, it’s like getting that brick upside the head. It’s life’s way of telling us it has something else in store for us. If we’re not going to listen to the whispers, it will take over from us.
I’ve seen this pattern repeatedly with clients. One woman clung to an HR role out of loyalty despite major clashes with her new leader. When she was made redundant, she initially grieved – but then discovered renewed energy exploring work closer to home, aligned with her vision of inspiring confidence in women and children. Another kept interviewing for sales jobs she was well-qualified for, only to be rejected again and again. The closed doors finally helped her recognize what she actually wanted: being outside, being creative, traveling – none of which a traditional sales job would offer.
As for me, I realised that every time “way” has closed for me, my life has become richer. From not being a musical prodigy in high school, I abandoned that path and spent half of my university years overseas. From not being the world’s most distinctive law student, I joined McKinsey, which opened a whole new world of possibilities. From not getting that transfer to the US, I moved instead to London (following a path where way very clearly opened), where I soon met my now-husband and have built both a career and a community. And now, in the same week that I was turned down for the role with this other leadership firm, an RFP (Request for Proposal) came in through another organization for a big piece of work that I would absolutely LOVE to do next year.
More and more, I am learning to just surrender to the flow of life, trusting that life really does know what’s best.
Learning to turn away from the wall
Ultimately, I tell my clients, your experience of life depends on where you put your attention. If you focus on what’s not working – constantly trying to push against that brick wall – life will feel like an insurmountable challenge. What would it be like if, instead of continuously running into the wall, you took a step back and said “Oh. There’s a wall. Perhaps life is asking me to pivot.” and then turned around and looked at what else life was trying to show you? You might gain an entirely new perspective.
If you are feeling frustration or despair about way closing, here are some questions for you to reflect on:
- What is it about “way closing” that is disappointing or upsetting to you? What loss or missed opportunity are you mourning?
- What are the limitations that life may be trying to show you by closing this particular path?
- If you assumed that this experience of way closing was actually an example of life stepping in to help you course-correct, what else might life be trying to show you?
- If you turn your attention away from the brick wall in front of you, what other opportunities can you see?
As Parker Palmer writes: “Each time a door closes, the rest of the world opens up. All we need to do is stop pounding on the door that just closed – which puts the door behind us – and welcome the largeness of life that now lies open to our souls. The door that closed kept us from entering a room, but what now lies before us is the rest of reality.”
